I feel broken.
Here I am again, suffering from insomnia. I was trying to get some sleep for four hours, but it obviously didn’t work.
For months, I’ve been seeing so much good in life, and it made me feel so boundless. I’ve been entering open doors of opportunities and taking on my dreams with such assurance. I’ve been happy more than I’ve ever been in my entire life.
So why did I end up here again? So lost in my own thoughts. So desperate to find peace.
I guess it finally caught up to me. The obsession in doing more, and more, and more. How is that a bad thing? I’m just trying to be productive, because I wasn’t for so long. But now I just feel so restless all the time. My mind just won’t shut down.
I’m confined in the fear of not making it. Since I’m almost done with the book I’ve been working on for half a year now, I’m already feeling so much anxiety.
“I need to make it! I need to get published! I can’t fail and let this just go to waste! The world needs to hear my book!” These are the loud voices inside my head that just won’t shut up. But I can’t keep on thinking about these or else I’d be defeated. I’m suddenly reminded of one of the verses that stood out to me when I was still a devoted Bible reader:
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
I need to let go and just let things be. I need to regain equilibrium, a calm state of mind. Instead of being preoccupied with the voices inside my head, why don’t I just keep doing my best, keep chasing my dreams, and keep looking forward to the things I can still achieve in the future.
I know there’s a lot of rejection ahead of me if I pursue this, but it’s no excuse to stop working hard. I still believe, not because I’m an optimist, but because I just can’t see myself taking any other road but this.
This is what completes me. This is what makes me discover who I am.
What voice inside your head do you need to silence right now? What steps do you need to take to go beyond your fears and doubts?