Listen

Knowing when to listen to your own voice and when to listen to the voice of others is a truly priceless gift. There should be a balance, and you should know the thin line that separates the two.

Voices are everywhere and it’s easy to be misguided and confused. All the noise may make it hard for you to decipher your own feelings. As we don’t always know how we feel, or don’t always know how to describe it, even to ourselves.

I have been utterly quiet the whole week, trying to make peace with the sound of my mistakes exploding right in front of me.

I am sorry for not listening.

To my friend who said I should work harder and visit different publishing houses to get my book out there. Time would’ve been plenty; plans would’ve been more thought-out, but I didn’t listen. Somehow, I believed in the lie I told myself that everything is just going to unfold magically. I just had to write thousands of words and a book will be produced. I didn’t know better, and I didn’t listen to the person who knew better.

I am sorry for not listening.

To my friend who thought she did me wrong and offended me. I am sorry for not thinking about the way people who love me would feel. I am sorry for putting the focus solely on me. My silence was not comforting to anyone, but for many reasons, I needed it. I needed a world void of noise so I could hear the lessons clearly. I needed that furious slap on my face, to know the root of my failures.

I am sorry for not listening.

To myself, when I disregarded what my instinct was telling me. Every time I didn’t fight hard for what felt right to me. Every time the opinions of others became the reasons of my decisions. Every moment I took for granted. Every paragraph I could’ve written better. Every time I failed to reflect upon my craft.

I am proud of Open, but for a week, guilt consumed my entirety because I know that it didn’t reach its full potential.

I want the truth of my missteps to paralyze me. I want to know it, to wage war, to end it. I want to meet my mistakes, my fears, my doubts, and my shame face to face. I want to be humiliated, because I know this will bring forth a renewed sense of strength.

There is learning in doing, dreaming, and victory, but there is also learning in silence, introspect, and defeat.

Where I am now is a place where redemption exists.

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