Did I actually see you that night?
I think I did
But I haven’t even noticed.
I was preoccupied with what’s going on around me, I haven’t even noticed.
I was thinking of the person I thought I loved, I haven’t even noticed.
I was talking with the good old friends I’ve missed, I haven’t even noticed.
I haven’t even noticed
You were in the room.
I thought I saw someone I knew.
Turns out it was only you.
Who are you, anyway?
I didn’t even bother to find out.
This is a restricted area.
You have no business lurking here.
I wish you never dropped by.
Now I finally saw you.
It’s just that…
I don’t know if you see me the way I see you.
Riddles, riddles, riddles.
I was never good at answering them.
I was never good at decoding, deciphering.
I was never good at this game.
So, why am I playing?
Assurance of non-existence.
Now you show up?
Why did you do it unannounced?
To surprise me?
Make me feel special?
See the face I’ll make?
This is where the problem lies.
There never will be a correct interpretation.
The only fact I know is you showed up, unannounced, and when you already said you wouldn’t.
This is not a mind game.
Just one fact and one unanswered question.
This doesn’t mean anything.
Today, I decided to stop
Using all the restraint my body can muster.
This is it.
VIII. That Faithful Night
You know what? I’m not fooling anyone. At least not myself. I have so much more to say. I am not done.
I didn’t know time was limited.
I didn’t know that was the only time I can ask you all these questions I have.
If I’d known, I would’ve asked away.
I would’ve asked what colors make your day bright, what you feel when you see the moon light, what thoughts you have when you walk while your music is playing through your headset, what you felt the first time you got a perfect score in a final exam, who was the first guy who broke your heart, when was the first time you drank beer, when was the last time you broke the rules, what do you think of when you’re stuck in traffic, who gave you your first kiss, when did you first cook your favorite dish, what was the reaction of the first person you’ve confessed your love to, how you ended up on my Facebook page and liking a picture.
I stopped myself from asking you these questions until the moment when I can ask them face to face. I wanted to study your face as you tell me all about them like how a child studies his brand new toy car as it roams around the living room. I wanted to hear how you would tell the most random stories and watch out for all the breaks in your voice and all the smiles you’ll make as you try to remember them. I wanted to see if you make little gestures with your hands or if you like rolling your eyes or if you maintain eye contact or not.
I didn’t know that was the only night I’ll ever get to look at you from 5 feet away.
If I’d known, I would’ve looked closer. Still, I appreciate whatever little I found out about you.
I discovered you look better in pictures but I’m drawn just the same. I discovered I was just slightly taller than you but we liked the same brand of shoes (I loved the colors of yours!). I discovered you walk like a timid kid, with little but quick steps that made you look all the more cute. I discovered you like unfriending people you don’t have any business with anymore, and now I’m thinking how long it would take before I get cut. I discovered you prefer tea over coffee but you don’t know you need to remove the tea bag after a minute or two to not ruin its taste. I discovered you liked Avril Lavigne’s first album but you skipped to the next song just when I was starting to sing along to “My World.” I discovered you liked Disney songs and your singing voice is so much better than mine. I discovered how amazing it feels to lock eyes with you through the dashboard mirror and boy did I wish you felt the same way.
I didn’t know that was the only chance I’ll ever get to try to make you see who I really am.
If I’d known, I would’ve been anything but plain boring. I would’ve worked harder to get over my own inhibitions and insecurities. I would’ve ordered an Americano instead of a tea latte hoping that caffeine would help me say the things I wanted to say. I would’ve suggested we go to a restaurant instead of a coffee shop so you can grab a bite. I would’ve sat beside you. I would’ve tried to charm you. I would’ve talked with you like there’s no tomorrow. I would’ve tried to make you laugh like how I do my closest friends. I would’ve told you I didn’t want to go home just yet. I would’ve told you I didn’t want the night to end. I would’ve done all the things I imagined doing that night when I was still on my way and my mind was still clear as day.
Now my heart aches a little from frustration because there are little things I could’ve done differently. I could’ve changed the outcome of that faithful night when you decided to show up when you already said you wouldn’t. But there is no do-over, no more see you later. I don’t have another chance. I already blew my shot.
This is it.